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How to gain the willingness of your child

When parents get together and establish which parenting styles they use or consider to be most effective we find usually 3 main styles:

1) tough, disciplinary or authorative right up to authoritaritian  approach

2) un-authoritive, indulging, permissive, letting child do what they want, frequently resorting in bribery to get any compliance, mostly uncontrolled approach

3) a mixature of above as we go along, best described as a maybe or open approach

 

Anyone who knows me from my parenting workshops will know that I am more into doing and showing then talking. Parents prefer a parent who can show effective techniques in contrast to eloquently presented theories that may help handle an acute situation but only perpetuate the problem. Since doing is difficult in an article, I will do my best to explain what are the pro and cons of those three styles and perhaps give a bit more data in general.

 

The main benefit of number 1) is it gets the job done on a now-now basis. You haven't got the time to mess about, you got to be somewhere and a sharp, clear-cut approach will do the job right there and then. You do XYZ or else; the results is mostly invarable but depends on how far the parent is willing to go on the "else." The else refers, of course, to penalities and threats or force.

The second approach seemingly allows the child to develop his own sense of right and wrong and may be very hard on the parent's patience. In 10-15 years the parent will know if the child did turn out alright; anti-social behaviour and school grades are the primary indicators. It gives the child the maximum of freedom a parent can give or tolerate and equally depends on the child personality.

The third approach, I would say, favored by most parents is a mishmash of either and can look like this: the parent decides as and when number one or two is applicable based on their personal ideas and how easy they can exert control over their child's ideas.

 

It is also my experience that none of the parents are usually satisfied with "their own style" and there is an easy explanation for this; which is what this article shall focus on.

 

One of the reason why parents have a hard time in deciding how they should live and/or work with their child is due to lack of knowing what is important and a general lack of understanding of how to treat children. One the one hand they themselves did turn out not too bad but on the other hand, things seemingly could have been done better; subsequently for lack of a better, proven, approach parents tend to stick with the known, perhaps unsatisfying, approach.

We should mentioned here briefly an important but often hidden factor and that is the received parenting style has more impact on the parents style then parents generally realise. Parents develop blind spots on their own parenting styles because of it nd is often the reason no other different style can be taught; the parent does see what is wrong.

 

A child is a self-determined individual just like you. While his body still has to grow and most of his skills are purely potential nevertheless he is a grown individual in his own mind.You will find it generally amusing when a 4 old comes out with a one-liner or phrase that sound extremely "grown-up."  The reason is that he does indeed not think of himself as a "baby" but of a person with a body that is usually not doing what he'd like it to do.

Being a baby, toddler, child, teen and teenager is a very frustrating business because his innate sense of looking after himself is already fully developed by birth. He knows in his own ways exactly what he wants; he wants to be a grown-up, like you, and preferably by tomorrow lunch.

The importance in parenting is to nurture or simply not to destroy this (his) personal sense of self-responsiblity while at the same time ensure he learns about rules and how to live together in a productive and positive manner.

Threats are a short term solution and usually will result in a continues increase of penalities and force factor. It is a downward spiral because the child will all of a sudden "switch" and hand over the responsibilty to you for going to bed on time, brushing his teeth after each meal, doing his homework with nudge and so on. He will thereafter let you do the "thinking" for him and he will just wait for your instructions. The problem is that as soon as you forget or even decide not to nudge any longer, he will not do anything; pleading usually doesn't work. Once you get a teenager on your hands you wonder why he isn't just getting on with things and takes responsibility for his life. Well, if I stopped you from reaching that remote control long enough, you would eventually sink into apathy, after severe attempts of rebellion I might add, and not bother with the remote control altogether. You can test this, stop your child from watching his favorite programme, and you will see first pleading, followed by a tantrum which will turn into tears and end up in a dry eyed child who doesn't want to watch the programme any longer. Please try this once to see it is true what I write here but after that you should never do this again as a personal golden rule. It is not good in the long run, I assure you.

The other side of not exerting any control or enforcing any rules, is actually only possible in an utopia. The second approach often labelled as non-authorative is nonetheless authorative via bribery and other manipulative methods. Here we give the impression we are the child's best friend while we actually can't be - we are his parent not his mate.

Children need minimal but clear and precise schedules for meals, sleep time, etc. Keep it simple but stick to the rules always. 5 o'clock is dinner time and that is always like that. This way a rule becomes part of his life and isn't so much a rule as the way we do it that he can rely on; just like going to the toilet isn't a rule but what you do...

Always remember to give the child the responsibilty to keep his body clean, fed, and educated and to help you in your house chores. These aren't your jobs, these are his jobs and contributions.

Most of all consult him, ask him what he wants and limit this to the choices you are prepared to offer. Never leave the options all open as he might demand to go to the moon and you can't deliver (at the moment anyway.)

Last but not least, a very usualful tip is to avoid confrontations by getting his attention of the subject for a minute or two and then returning to the subject and you will find he is a bit more willing to listen, repeat till he is willing to look at what you are saying.

 

About the Author

Lynne, Author and Parent Coach

You can find me at www.raiseachild.co.uk

Art of Crochet by Teresa - Crochet Child-Toddler Slippers